Wednesday, July 1, 2015

You Too Can Be James Patterson: At Least You Can if You’ve Got $90.

This is not me. This is James Patterson.

Allen Appel: Thriller Guy hates Facebook. He’s just not a Facebook kind of guy. That’s why he’s turned the blog over to me today. Or at least one of the reasons. It pains me to say this, but TG is becoming more and more unreliable when it comes to fulfilling his blogging duties. Yes, he’s still just as full of contrary opinions, prejudices and repressed -- and not so-repressed, anger – that he’s always evidenced in these pages, and he’s still likely to burst into fits of rage and rant on and on over seeming trivialities, but I’ve heard him grumbling lately that “Life is too short.” Which seems to be his way of saying he’d rather be out practicing his shooting, going walkabout, sitting by the water drinking rum and having lunch with his writer pals than toiling over a keyboard. So we’re going to give him a break while we embark on a new project. But don’t think he’s retired, or even on vacation. After all, it’s his blog.

TG: And don’t you forget it, Appel. I’m watching you. I’ll be back.

Appel: OK, OK, TG, just trust me. I can handle this.

Facebook has recently been bombarding me with ads from my new best friend James Patterson (megaselling author of hundreds of novels selling zillions of copies) which promise that James can teach me how to write a bestselling novel. Fair enough. While I have published ten novels and many non-fiction books, it is true that none has been a best seller. All I have to do, these ads say, is fork over $90 and I can get started on a Masterclass that will reveal the tricks and secrets of the bestseller trade. This prompts a number of questions…

Q. Do they think I’m so deluded I believe that?

Q. Do I actually think that James Patterson cares about anything more than getting possession of my $90?

Q. Would this Masterclass have any value at all?

Q. Why have I not been charging $90 for the same advice I’ve been dishing out here for free?

So in the same altruistic spirit that fuels this whacky blog, I sent in my $90 and enrolled in James Patterson’s novel writing class. I have a writing partner, Joel, who has agreed to undertake this adventure with me, to follow James’ lessons as we see if the class is a valuable asset, or just a Patterson money-making scheme. Joel is a fellow writer and an expert on security issues who brings a deep knowledge of the technology of the spy business. Plus he knows a hell of a lot about weapons and the business of mayhem, both real and on the page. We have an idea for an espionage/adventure novel that we think is intriguing. Now all we have to do is have James Patterson teach us His Way to Bestsellerdom.

If TG were writing this, he’d miss no opportunity to make fun of Patterson. While I can’t say I won’t dabble a bit in that myself, I’m going to try and follow his instruction as if I were a first-timer who is a believer, and at the same time add my own advice gleaned from a harrowing 30+ years in the grueling novel writing business. And that’s my pledge to you, Jerry. (Seinfeld reference.)

In other business, as many of you know, my new novel, number six in the Pastmaster
Click here to order copy
series, The Test of Time is up in hard copy and as a Kindle on Amazon. This was a Kickstarter book, funded by the generous donations from terrific readers and friends. If any of you who donated have not received your signed copy of the book from me please let me know so I can send it to you!

So stay tuned, Thriller Guy readers, as we set off in our leaky boat to follow our captain, James Patterson, on our exciting journey to stardom.


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