Under the Dome

Before beginning today's entry, just a quick note. Eagle Eyed Marlene comments that TG misspelled the word “judgement” in the entry below. Au contraire, Marlene, you are applying the American spelling (AE) whereas TG has inadvertently slipped into the British spelling (BE). That is because TG spent several years training in England with the Royal Marines in their Special Boat Service (SBS) ((motto” “Not By Strength, By Guile”)) and occasionally applies the BE spelling to certain words. Sorry about that. God, those were the days. TG would really love to talk about that period of his life, but modesty and the Military Secrecy Act (MSA) forbid.

Today, (Sat., Nov. 14^th) the Washington Post gave Stephen King's Under the Dome pretty much a rave review. Publishers Weekly did as well. TG wishes King and his book only the best, but a sigh of relief was heard in these environs when it was clear that there would be no review required from TG. A thousand pages? Spare me.

When TG was a young man, he eagerly awaited each year's new King novel. He and his mates in the Marines would hang around the barracks, oops, sorry, can't talk about that. Suffice it so say that each book, Misery, etc. would get passed from hand to hand among the lads until it became tattered beyond repair. But as TG grew older, there seemed to be less and less time for King, and, really, the books just didn't seem as interesting. Then there came a point when TG would find one in the library, attempt to read it and just couldn't get through to the end. The last attempt was with Cell. After that, TG quit.

Can someone out there give TG a good reason to try again? All other books, books for which TG is paid American dollars to read and review, would have to go on hold, so it's going to have to be a pretty good reason. Oh, how he loved, so many years ago, reading The Stand. Will Under the Dome return him to those days of yesteryear?

And finally, a Stephen King story. About a decade ago, TG, who lives in a small hamlet just outside Washington, DC, was getting his hair cut. In the next chair a woman was asked by the stylist how her son was doing. She replied he was doing very well because he had come up with the money to attend the local college. Where did he get the money? It turns out that he's a very distant relative of Stephen King, who has a special fund set up to pay for the college education of even his farest flung relations. Good for the kid. Good for Stephen King. The man deserves his gazillion dollars.

And here's a recent video of the master speaking at a signing for Under the Dome. And how he keeps from going berserk when he's asked, probably for the millionth time, “Where do you get your inspiration?” I'll never know.

Here's the talk.

Odds and Ends

A Roundup of Random Thoughts and Comments

I'm not sure what's wrong with the font and linespacing on this entry and it is resisting being fixed. TG should have it fixed in the next blog.


"I have long felt that any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae or a banana split." Kurt Vonnegut

I stole that from this morning's edition of

Garrison Keillor's Writer's Almanac.

Every day TG starts his writing day by reading the Almanac, which comes into his e-mail box. There one will find several mini essays on a famous writer, dead or alive, whose birthday occurs on this date. The above came from a Vonnegut entry and seemed particularly apt as TG had recently engaged in a real knock-down, drag-out with his wife, Mrs. Thriller Guy, (MTG) normally an intelligent and perceptive book reader, who had loathed the new Dan Brown book and was taking TG to task for giving it a good review. TG admitted that the book was perhaps not up to high, or even medium high literary standards in the main, but was not intended to be such and that as far as thrillers go it was perfectly fine, offering lots of interesting facts and a few chills and thrills. TG then reiterated his reviewing code, probably stolen from some other far more intelligent reviewer. Said in a slightly haughty voice:

“My goal is not to pronounce literary judgement, my goal is to alert writers who like a certain sort of fiction where they can find good examples of the sort of thing they like. If a book is really bad, I'll always say so, but you don't get dinged for not writing Literature.”

She didn't buy it. Comments?

Another feature of the Almanac is there's always a poem. TG feels it's always a good thing for a writer to start the day with a poem. Kind of sets the tone for the writing to come. And those of you who think poetry is too twee for tough guy thriller writers, check out Toby Barlow's Horror/Thriller novel, Sharp Teeth, which features werewolves and is written as a book-length, epic poem. Fast-paced, gut-wrenching and sexy.

On other matters:

Commenter Joel responds to two of TG's questions: Has anyone ever written anything successful at a Starbucks?; and, how can TG make money from his blog?

“I wrote a successful piece once. I typed an email that said to my boss that it was crazy to try and rely on Starbucks free wifi to get internet access. The noise and music made it impossible to use the phone too, so can I please get a mobile wireless adapter so I can get the heck out of here and do some real work on these bazillion dollar sales proposals you are expecting from me?

He agreed, so I guess that counts as successfully writing something at Starbucks.”

And...

“Make money off the blog? Sure, this is how: Get the Squatting Toad Gang to open their calendar up once in a while to paying newbies such as myself, a Writers Workshop. I'd pay good money to go to that, I'm sure others would too.”

TG admits that getting the boss to agree to the wireless adaptor was the result of a successful piece of writing, though TG will now amend the question as... a successful piece of fiction.

As for the writer's workshop idea, Squatting Toad has indeed kicked this around and if there ever was enough interest we just may do a Beach Week Writer's Workshop. Let us know and we may get serious about it.

Robert's Rules III

Commentor writer-maven Marlene chimes in with a few more writing pet peeves. TG was relieved to have passed muster (to measure up to a particular standard) when correcting his mistake with the passive voice in the original Robert's rules blog, which can be found two down from this one. Let's hear from Marlene.

“Ouch, Marlene! But you are quite right, and TG hangs his head in shame. It should have been: “Robert, write in if you feel wronged..., Others, send us your tips..." At least I think that's correct. Marlene?”

Marlene writes:

“Yes, you are correct! In the interest of credibility, I should mention that I too am a professional writer, and also teach writing to college journalism students.

They get tired of my constant hammering about the passive voice and other favorite nit-picks, such as:

- don't use ``over'' and ``under'' when you mean ``more than'' or ``less (or ``fewer'') than''

- don't use ``that'' when you mean ``who''

- don't use nouns as verbs (such as ``impact,'' or ``network.'')

I know much of the above is quickly becoming common usage (as my students so often tell me) and eventually may become acceptable. But it still is not acceptable in my classroom - or in my own copy! (if I can help it.)

Having recently completed a graduate degree, I became crazed with the frequent use of passive voice (as well as the use of first person) in academic scholarship. (A decades-long career in newspaper journalism made me sensitive to both.) I vowed to respect syntax in my own dissertation, while striving to make it reader-friendly. It was quite a challenge! I could go on and on about academic writing - but that is for another day, and another (non-thriller topic) blog.

OK, Marlene, rest assured that TG will never agin use the passive voice. Listen up, thrillerwriters, think about it, what place does “passive” have in our work? None, exactly. Oh, and Marlene, lets watch the overuse of the exclamation point!

So let us bid a fond goodbye to writers tips and usage. At least until someone else out there sends in their very own favorite peeve.

Oh, what the hell, TG can't resist one more rule from Robert. This one is about those morons you see in Starbucks, the ones with their laptops, writing away, or whatever the hell they're doing. Here's Robert...

“Starbucks is where writers who want to be seen in the act of creation go, who treat writing as if it were some sort of performance art. They want to be admired, they want to be soothed by the ambient noise and the occasional glance from an attractive patron. They want to be asked, “What are you working on?” so they can sit back and talk about it.

When if they really and truly wanted to be undisturbed they'd stay home in the first place, make a cup of Folger's instant (for about a nickel) and concentrate.

I know the problem. I know the temptation. Nobody wants to lock himself up in a room and write. Neither do I. Most days I trudge into my office like a guy on a chain gang. It's lonely in there – even the dog goes downstairs. And it's scary – I know I'll have no one to amuse me but me, and what if I can't think of anything all that good? Sometimes, at a total loss, I just stare out the window at the guy in the apartment across the way, he's got a plasma screen TV the size of a picnic table, but lately, I've noticed, he's taken to lowering his blinds.

Still, it's in my own little office that the actual writing gets done.

In solitude. In silence. With no cappuccino machine in sight.

And no living witnesses to the act of creation.

When I go to Starbucks it's to reward myself for doing a good day's work.

Never mistake Starbucks for your office – and leave your laptop at home.”

We've all seen these people. OK, confession time. Once TG decided to take his laptop to the coffee shop and give it a try. I mean, it looks so cool to be working away while hogging a table. It was ridiculous. Too much noise, too many distractions... well, Robert has already said it better.

If anyone has written anything decent while sitting at a Starbucks, TG would like to hear about it. Chime in. We promise to be open minded. Really.

Really.

Robert's Rules II

Several comments have come in concerning the entry directly below (if you haven't read the entry, shame!) concerning Robert Masello's clever little book, Robert's Rules of Writing. TG has found that most folks don't bother to click on the comments button at the end of each piece, so we'll address these issues here.

First of all, Mr. Masello has learned that TG has been talking about him, and sent the following:

"I'd like to express my gratitude to the Thriller Guy for the fantastic, and unexpected, plug of Robert's Rules of Writing. But TG -- you are too kind. While I do meet my deadlines and write everyday, I have refused to take on some work, and I do bitch from time to time. (Ask my wife.) Once or twice, I turned down jobs ghost-writing books for obvious charlatans (one of whom claimed to be the head of an institute, which was, in fact, her empty storage shed) and on another occasion, I passed on writing a roll of toilet paper -- each sheet was to offer its own very brief anecdote. Even then (I think I was twenty-two) I considered myself above such stuff and hoped to preserve my name for later fame.

“As for the bitching . . . if there's a writer who doesn't, I haven't met him or her. (Nor, in all probability, would I want to.) If a writer's career has gone that smoothly, and if he or she is above sniping, moaning, quibbling and cursing, then that writer is far too good to know the likes of me."

You misunderstood, Robert, TG meant that you seemed to be a guy who didn't bitch to those who have hired you to do a piece of writing. Those of us who are continually scrabbling around for writing gigs know that the client may not be right, but if he/she is giving notes on a piece that he/she is paying for, a real working writer should smile politely and then do anything he/she can do to either address the client's concerns or trick the client into thinking their concerns have been addressed. In other words, shut up and rewrite the piece. As for regular writer bitching, well, have at it. TG is known for bitching about the writing life and encourages anyone else who has a peeve or gripe to send 'em in and we'll all join in the fray. (Say, Robert, just between you and TG, do you still have the address for that toilet paper gig?)

Another commenter, eagle-eyed Marlene writes:

“TG wrote: “Robert is encouraged to write in if he feels wronged or abused in any way. Other writers are encouraged...”

First writing rule for TG and everyone else: Never write in the passive voice!”

Ouch, Marlene! But you are quite right, and TG hangs his head in shame. It should have been: “Robert, write in if you feel wronged..., Others, send us your tips..." At least I think that's correct. Marlene?

A good discussion of passive voice can be found here.

In short, don't use any form of the pesky “to be” (is, was, are, am, were, etc.) followed by a past participle, unless you want Marlene on your ass, pronto.

And this in from Anonymous: “I hate to say this, but regarding rule #2: Pen pals? That's so old school. Isn't that just an old-fashioned reference to what's now referred to as "blogs"? Aren't you just writing to all your "friendly pen pals" out in the ethernet?”

Hmmmm. I think there's something of a disconnect here, and yet Anonymous makes an interesting point. If I can speak for Robert, (Robert, if you're out there, feel free to speak for yourself.) Robert's Rules ( at least it seems to me) are structured so that the tips sort of start from a new writer's beginning efforts and work toward a new writer's finished product. Many times when fledgling writers (they're so cute) gather at TG's knee, they always ask some variation of that eternal question: “Where do you get your ideas, sir?” By which they mean where do you get your ideas so they can go there and get some ideas of their own. Robert is suggesting when he says write a pen pal, that one should write someone they like about something that has happened to them, or something that they are interested in, and by doing so they can find themselves a subject that might be interesting for them to write about in other venues.

So lighten up, Anonymous!

But there is the interesting point Anonymous brings up about bloggers. When blogging, one writes, in a public way, about things that one is interested in. And by extension, doing so would point up themes that the blogger might exploit for more economic outlets. (Anyone out there have any tips how TG could make some money off this blog? Advertisers are welcomed.) We've all read stories about how various bloggers have been able to expand their blogs into published books. Robert Masello, when you write the next edition of your Rules will you include blogging in some way?

And to answer Anonymous's snarky question, “Aren't you just writing to all your “friendly pen pals” out in the ethernet?”

I certainly hope so.

Robert's Rules of Writing

TG was in a bookstore the other day and a small table with four books in stacks caught his eye. They were books on the craft of writing. These self help writing books are of great interest to TG, who owns a large collection of them from the standards in the genre: Practical Tips for Writing Popular Fiction, by Robyn Carr, Writing the Block Buster Novel by Al Zuckerman, to a host of lesser known examples, some of them hauntingly obscure. TG always counsels those youngsters that gather at his knee, asking their inevitabele question, “I want to be a famous writer, sir. How do I write a book?” The answer is always some variable of the following: “Sit down and start, write two pages every day, and obtain by any method all of the how-to-write books you can find . You'll learn at least one thing from each of them. Add up all those one things and you'll have a store of useful knowledge.”

One of the most valuable of these books is Robert Masello's, Robert's Rules of Writing: 101 Unconventional Lessons Every Writer Needs to Know. Masello is the author of many books, articles, screenplays and scripts. He fits TG's definition of a Real Writer: a guy who takes on any kind of write-for-hire work, (well, maybe not every kind) does a professional job, rewrites to specification without bitching, turns everything in on time or before, is always pleasant to clients, never throws hissy fits or acts superior or pretends to be “Literary.” TG can't abide writers who act Literary. He's also the author of the very fine, highly recommended, recent thriller/horror novel, Blood and Ice.

There are a number of reasons why Robert's Rules is a valuable writing aid, among them three stand out: it's short, it's funny, and Masello cuts through a lot of bullshit. Each rule gets a couple of pages, max, which is all you really need. TG contacted Robert and asked for permission to feature a few rules in a semi-irregular series of blogs. He, being a pleasant fellow, agreed. What he probably didn't know, because TG neglected to mention it, was that in discussing the Rules TG will shorten them and chime in with comments, Agreeing, Disagreeing, or some variation therein. Robert is encouraged to write in if he feels wronged or abused in any way. Other writers are encouraged to comment on Robert's Rules, TG's Rules, or offer any of their own Rules.

Since it would take many years to work our way, irregularly, through Masello's 101 Rules, readers are encouraged to click on the title of the book above or buy it here from Amazon. Or any other bookstore. Sit down, read it straight through and get to work on your writing. That's the point, isn't it?

Robert's Rule #1: Burn your journal. “Writing in a journal is just a stall, a waiting game, a way to tell yourself that you're working when you're not, that you're doing something of value when you're just using up paper, that you're a writer when if fact you're just going through the motions of one. Look at me! I have blank paper in front of me –and now I'm filling it with words!

Thriller Guy loves this rule and wholeheartedly Agrees. And would expand it by advising that you throw out books that encourage you to fill out any workbooks that the author has included or is selling as an adjunct. They're just trying to make extra money or pad out a too-short book. Writing time is valuable, don't waste it on pointless exercises.

Robert's Rule #2: Get a Pen Pal. “Instead of writing the stream-of-consciousness twaddle that generally fills those blank pages [of a journal] do this instead – write a letter to a friend.”

Thriller Guy Agrees, with some reservations. Robert goes on to explain that writing to a friend puts you in touch with your ideal audience and at the same time tells you what you're interested in writing about. “Are you ranting about the next-door neighbors? Are you seeking comfort for a broken heart? Are you telling a funny story about the perfectly awful job interview you just went on? Whatever it is, that's what you're thinking about, that's what's on your mind. And if you wanted to, that's what you could be writing about for others too – the broken-heart story might be right for a woman's magazine, the dismal job interview could work as a humor piece for the local paper, the rotten neighbors could be characters in a screenplay.”

TG would add that if you already know what you're interested in writing and have established your “voice,” the style in which you want to write, skip the letter and move straight to the work itself.

How about it Robert? If you're out there: Agree or Disagree?

Squatting Toad II

Thriller guy has, reluctantly, agreed to let me, his alter ego, Allen Appel, step in on occasion and do a guest entry. So TG has been stuffed back in his box for the moment while I continue my earlier discussion, found directly below this entry, about my writers group.

TG, ahem, or rather I, have been asked to explain the name of the group: Squatting Toad, and the origin of the rest of the logo: Spawned in Bilge Water Since 1991. Sometime in our first year of meetings we were discussing terrible first lines from novels and stories. One of us had a favorite line, taken from a story in Redbook Magazine, which used to publish a lot of fiction: “The squatting toad of hatred settled slowly on her shoulders.” We all laughed and somehow the phrase kept coming up in conversation and pretty soon we just applied it to the group. One year at the beach we were watching a terrible movie late at night, a popular pastime with us, and a grizzled old sea captain referred to a group of bad guys with the bilge water line, which became a catch phrase from that year's Beach Week. Then, a few years ago, we decided to set up a line of products at Cafe Press so we could order Squatting Toad coffee mugs, T-shirts and sweatshirts. I designed the logo you see at the head of this column. If anyone would like any of these products, mugs, shirts or thong underwear bearing the logo, let TG know here on the blog and I will resuscitate the Cafe Press account.

One of the Squatting Toad members, Anonymous, sent in the following comment after the original writer's group piece, found below this current entry, was posted. I think it nicely catches the spirit and closeness of the group. I always recommend that writers and folks trying to be writers find other like souls and start a group. I don't believe that most writers need the business of reading work to each other and commenting on it. One can get good feedback, I guess, by doing this, and God knows the Iowa Writers Workshop has turned it into good business, but I believe just being able to talk about the terrible, lonely, unprofitable, difficult job of being a writer, and yes, the unparalleled joys, sometimes, of the job, is what is really important.

I am one of TG's group, a founding and persistent member of the Squatting Toad. I am the one who wrote one book, had a taste of success, mishandled his writing career and took a real day job (of course, my agent mishandled my career, but I'll blame myself anyway). I think I earn more than the others, yet I view myself as a failure because I'm not sweating over my next project. Instead, I've been sweating over the same incomplete novel for years. Like all of us, my life has had its twists and turns, at times full of pleasure, at times full of sorrow. But for the past ten years, the most contented time for me, the time I am most at peace with myself, is during the beach week described by TG. His description gives the week as much justice as one can with the written word. Yet it does not do it justice at all in terms of the spiritual effect beach week brings to us all. Our connection is as familiar as brothers, the camaraderie as thick as members of a tight-knit athletic team. Underlying it all is our love of writing. I once tried to leave the group over a perceived slight. They refused to let me leave. Lucky for me they did, for it would have been one of the great losses of my life. As to how we started, my recollection is that we were all invited to a Library of Congress dinner honoring mystery and thriller writers living in the Washington, D.C. area. Tony Hillerman was the keynote speaker. We started getting together after the event, and had a rather large group, comprised of men and women at one point. The ones who remain are the equivalent of the 300 Spartans, tenacious, dedicated, unduly loyal and largely insane. But like the Spartans, we would take on - and defeat - a larger army. There is an intangible quality to our group that I can't adequately describe. But the underpinning is the writing, the love of books and the clinging to the age when bookstores and coffee shops were mom and pop operations.

Anonymous

Where Oh Where Has TG Been?

18 years ago Thriller Guy and a few other writers who live in and around Washington, DC, started a writer's group. We put an ad in Writer's Digest asking for published mystery authors who wanted to get together once a month for Chinese food and to talk about the state of the industry and our own situations. We had to insist on the “published” requirement because we found there were too many folks who fit into the wannabe criteria. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but trying to get published and already having been published but needing to keep getting published are really two different sets of problems. Our group, which has always averaged around six or seven members, became known as “Squatting Toad,” for reasons I may go into if anyone is interested. We are now all male, though there have been women who have put up with us for varying periods of time. One of our members, who is a Nancy Drew, married another of us, though she no longer attends the meetings. Probably a wise idea. We have been eating dinner together once a month since the group's inception

There have been five members that have remained at the core of the group. Some of us published mysteries years ago and have gone on to “real” jobs (not TG) while writing only sporadically. Others have stayed in the business as working writers, turning out novels and non-fiction books, articles and anything else that would earn a scribbler a few bucks. We have two Edgars in the group and plenty of other awards. We've had good years, even great years, and seen years like these that are now upon us, bad years where advances have been slashed and publishers seem too frightened to buy much of anything.

About ten years ago we decided to rent a house together at Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, in the fall. So every year now we pack up our laptops, research materials, fatty snax, alcohol in its many varieties, and abandon our wives and children for a week of solid writing, laughing, arguing and eating imprudently. We get more done in this one week than we do in any regular month, or even months. Everyone has a project: proposals, outlining novels, writing novels, editing novels, editing one of the other guy's novels. We sit around a large table and work all day long. Questions and talking is acceptable. We have found that real writers don't need the hothouse climate of silence and solitude that our more effete brethren espouse. So if you want to argue over the merits of the serial comma, go ahead and toss it out, everyone is going to have an opinion.

Some years, some of us have found ourselves with nothing new or interesting to work on. This can be unsettling. For a writer, if there's no project, there's no hope. No future. The spark that lights the fire of a novel or new non-fiction project has not struck, that moment of illumination writers know so well, that blinding second upon waking from a dream when you sit up in bed and think, yes, yes, that might work. Or maybe it's just a vague possibility nourished into fruition by a glass of fine scotch, a good cigar. If it hasn't happened, if this is one of those dry years where you're afraid you'll never have a decent idea ever agin, there's only one thing to do. You go down to the beach, alone or with one of the other guys, set up your folding chair and plant yourself. You sit quietly. You listen to the waves, look up at the stars, unhinge your mind, let yourself float, go away to some other place, and maybe it will appear if you're very lucky, maybe it will hover in around the edges of your mind until you can just make it out. A Big Idea. If it does, you tease it around for awhile until you turn it into a concept, one that you can articulate in a sentence or two, then you go back to the house. From the street, the house will be bright with light, with your friends inside drinking, playing games, watching movies, reading or even still writing. You go in the house, tell everyone to shut up and throw out your idea. Usually you're told that it sucks, has been done before or it will never sell and why. But sometimes...

Sometimes they all nod, agree and say it sounds good. Workable. Suggestions are tossed out. You take it in, the pieces falling into place. The next day you start on an outline, or maybe a first page. And if you're lucky, if you work hard, next year at the beach you are passing around a finished draft and asking for edits and ideas. Sometimes.

So that's where TG has been: at the beach. Working. Thinking. Dreaming.