The Five Mistakes Thriller Writers Make: Number Four.

The Two M’s: Motivation and Method.

OK, Maybe there’s going to be Six Mistakes. We’ll see how long this takes; maybe we’ll break it up into two parts.

Thriller motivation: by that TG means what drives the bad guy, from the creepy loner who kidnaps women and takes them into his underground lair, to the power-obsessed madman with legions of minions who stands on the edge of the cliff in the driving rain, screaming into the night, “I WILL RULE THE WORLD!”

You’d think there would be a hell of a lot of psychological distance in between these two extremes, but is there really? It seems to TG, after reading and reviewing hundreds and hundreds of thrillers, that the motivations that drive these two individuals to commit their crimes are often not all that different.

This makes it really tough for thriller writers. There always needs to be a reason villains commit crimes. And Thriller Guy gets mighty sick of reading the same solutions to this particular plot problem over and over again. It is true, as in basic plots, there isn’t a whole lot to choose from, which means writers have to find their own take on motivation and make it new, different or more credible than all those that have gone before. Which circles back to an earlier Mistake: know thy genre. If you haven’t read deeply in the thriller canon you’re not going to know what’s already been not just done, but done to death.

Bad guy characters can be fun to create, often far more fun than heroes, but they aren’t easy. They have to be interesting, smart enough to prove worthy opponents, but also really, truly bad. Not misunderstood, not bad for a good reason, but just downright bad. To the bone.

So here are some possibilities. Thriller Guy would love to hear from you if you want to chime in other motivators. That’s what the Comment section is for.

Pure evil. Very few people are born evil. Though some are, at least in fiction, so let’s give those individuals the first motive to do the bad things that they do: that’s just the way they came out of the womb. Rosemary’s Baby is one of them, though that little fellow may be an extreme case. Then there’s the thing that popped out in the old movie It’s Alive! Whoa. He was really scary, but these are horror anomalies. Let’s just say that your position is,  He Was Born That Way. You can build in a good backstory if you want, (and TG would advise it) but it’s a simple motivation that a good writer can get away with: you just say that’s the way this person has always been. If you insist on it, most readers will go along. But the story you’re telling has got to be good enough to soak up all a reader’s attention, otherwise, readers will start thinking too much. So here’s TG’s Golden Rule of Thriller Writing: You don’t want your readers thinking, you want your readers reading. So go ahead and say the villain is bad and has always been that way. Then turn him loose to do his worst. If your story is compelling enough, you can get away with it. Did TG say you had to be good, no, really good, to pull this off? Yes, he did. But it can work. Sometimes flailing around trying to explain things that can’t be explained is far worse than just declaring them so.

His parents did it to him. (Sidebar: Him. It’s always Him. Where are the really great women villains?) His parents, singly or together, turned him into whatever sort of monster he is. This is a big one in the business, and TG is getting pretty tired of it. Mrs. Bates is an early progenitor with her son Norman, (with a new TV series to prove it) but there are many examples. Usually mom or dad perform unspeakable acts on these children and they grow up to perform unspeakable acts themselves. This has a lot of science in its side, so it’s an evergreen, but it’s tired, tired, tired.

The Bad Americans did it. International terrorists spring from an unending string of vicious American military men who storm into innocent households and shoot all the adults, who chase down truckloads of men with drones and kill everyone, including the children aboard who are on their way home from school, who rape, who commit atrocities upon, usually, Middle Eastern men, women and children. And then the children grow up to declare jihad on the Evil Empire. It’s probably true enough in real life to explain at least some of the horror visited upon the world by angry, violent terrorists, but it’s getting old in fiction. It’s an easy motivation for newbies, insiders who don’t know the genre, or lazy writers who just want to get on with their gore-fest.

Revenge. See above. And it doesn’t have to be just military guys in the Mid East, you’ve got anger against cops, both good and bad, and any federal agency, government entity, high school indignity, or any other moment where someone feels dissed by someone else. Even the smallest injury can grow in the minds of a nutter to proportions where going into a grade school with an automatic weapon can actually make sense to these people. Remember, couple revenge with insanity and the sky is the limit. Is it a good technique? It’s a cliché, but good things can be done if you can turn a cliche to work in your own favor. Give it a new twist and you’ve moved it into new territory. Remember, you have to know what is old before you can make something new. Read, read, read.

Ideology. This used to be easier when Communism made sense to a lot of people, but when the wall came down it no longer seemed like a rational reason for anything. Now that the old commies and the even older Nazis have all aged out, these cabals of doddering elderly men just seem plain silly. (Sidebar:  If you haven’t read the Ira Levin novel or seen the 1978 movie The Boys From Brazil do so immediately. You’ll see what a master can do with this type of material that is no longer viable to lesser writers.) Fortunately for thriller writers, Religion has replaced political ideology with a great reason to kill lots of people: God wants them to do it. It’s hard to dismiss this as a good motivation because in real life there are millions of individuals who believe it to their very core and who are perfectly happy to go to their deaths in pursuit of it. Much of civilization has progressed to about the fourteenth century where the inhabitants are perfectly happy living in a world where the simple values of raping their own wives, demeaning all women and killing anyone their local religious leader tells them needs killing makes sense. The whole 14 virgins thing is a joke to modern, thinking people, but most religious folk, be they God-fearing fundamentalist Americans as well as the most deluded jihadist, pretty much believe the same brand of religious idiocy. They are simply different sides of the same ignorant coin. So if you’re looking for a mass murderer who has no pity, empathy or sympathy, you can’t go wrong with your religious fanatic especially if you put him at the head of a anti-government radical-right hate group.

Power. This is usually at the base of any of the above motives, be it power over a tied-up defenseless woman or power over a world that trembles at your feet because if they don’t do what you order them to do you’ll turn on your earthquake machine. Or tornado machine. (You can’t imagine how sick TG is of guys with machines that control the weather. These books are usually written by TV weathermen who seem to have never read a thriller before they decided it would be a good way to make some extra money. After all, how hard could it be?) Or unleash your suitcase nuke, or regular sized nuke. Power is still a believable motivation, but it usually needs to be hooked up with one or more of the above motivations as well – ideology, religion, etc. But it is, in the end, kind of boring unless you can build a really interesting, exciting tale around what is a very shopworn reason to commit malfeasance, small or large.

And now we come to the biggest, simplest, most convincing of all reasons for crime of any variety:

Money. Everyone understands the desire for money. But here’s the problem -- how much money is in play? TG always remembers that great scene in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, when Dr. Evil tells the meeting of the world’s rulers that he will unleash his death bomb unless they pay him the sum of One. Million. Dollars! And everyone laughs at him. But that’s the problem. Say Dr. Evil asks for a trillion dollars. (Or in other films, a cajilion bazillion dollars) Each amount presents it’s own set of problems. We live in an age where dollar amounts have risen to such levels that they are incomprehensible not only to readers, but villains as well. After all, how much does it cost to buy a dormant extinct volcano island lair for your diabolical experiments? And do you take the money in used hundreds or maybe there’s a bank somewhere that will handle the transaction. So money, sure, great motivator, but how do you handle the inherent problems? Once again, it can work, but you’d better be damn clever.

OK, TG is tired. Time to go have a drink. Have one yourself while you ruminate on the above. Here’s the takeaway: There are main motivators as the basis of evil in the thriller world. They’ve been used effectively over the years. So effectively they have become tired and shopworn. Mistake Number Four is either using an old plot device because you don’t know any better, or because you’re not good enough to change it, or don’t care enough to work up something new. Writers need to come up with new motivators or they need to retool old ones in new ways. TG can’t tell you how to pull off this trick (well, maybe he could, but he’s not handing that info away for free, go to The Appel Store and see the excellent deal offered there.) As always, it comes down to TG’s thriller mantra:

Shut up. Sit down. Get to work.

The Five Mistakes Thriller Writers Make: Number Three -- Humor

So You Think You’re Funny?

Thriller Guy is here to tell you that you’re probably not. Or at least not as funny as you think you are. Don’t take this too hard, you’re not alone.

TG reviews, as you faithful readers know by now, around ten thrillers a month. Many of them have protagonists who are usually some sort of tough-as-nails soldier, spy, mercenary, private contractor or whatever, and he usually has a sidekick or team of sidekicks. In at least 75% to 85% of these books, the guy and his best pal love to josh back and forth making humorous comments at the expense of one another. One series in particular, and TG is too lazy to go to the massive pile of ARCs behind him and root through to find the offender, has the deadly duo, a black guy and a white guy, who kid each other incessantly about race, size of penis, bravery or lack thereof, homosexual tendencies, lack of prowess in bed, inability to maintain a healthy relationship with a woman, inability to maintain an unhealthy relationship with a woman, and a myriad of other unfunny takes on relationships, society or each other. Every woman who comes on page has her breasts discussed, and every character, even the women, always discuss breast size concerning every other female character. It’s embarrassing, crude, sophomoric, and definitely not funny. And this is a bestselling series. TG has pointed this stupidity out several times in reviews, to no effect. So what can we learn from this example? Besides the fact that TGs views seem to carry very little weight.

Many thriller readers are men who find this sort of juvenilia funny. Or to put a more generous spin on the data, that many thriller readers are quite willing to gloss/skip over these inanities to get to the part where the guys shoot and kill lots of people.

But forget this guy and his stupid heroes for a minute. Lets bring this closer to home. Thriller Guy has a story.

Years ago, TG was contacted by an agent who had a writer who was writing non-fiction books about his years as a soldier and sniper in Vietnam (One Shot, One Kill, an excellent book about snipers) who now wanted to branch out into fiction. Would TG get together with this guy and maybe come up with an idea for a thriller? TG did, and the result was Hellhound, by Allen Appel and Craig Roberts. Yes, clicking on this last phrase will take you to a site where you can actually buy a copy of this masterpiece. Actually, it’s a pretty good book. But the point of this story is…

Appel wrote the book with his son and Craig. The son’s name is also Allen Appel, which has caused uncounted problems over the years. The two Appels have written several books together and have a similar style. During the writing of Hellhound, (which is the name of an advanced attack helicopter) they had the Russian evildoer, as I remember it, coming up on shore under cover of night on a beach and stumbling into a group of hippies who were camped out, and who take the guy in and treat him to a night of revelry. This scene was hilarious. At least to the two Appels. It went on for at least 50 pages and led to other scenes of high hilarity. Eventually the book was finished and it was sent to the agent. After a couple of days the manuscript came back in the mail and scrawled across the title page, the agent had written, “CUT THE FUNNY SHIT!”

And he was absolutely right. What the hell were those two guys thinking? Chastened, all the funny shit was cut out (it amounted to a couple of hundred pages!) and the book went on to publication. Now, those were the days back when agents actually acted like editors and had the best interests of their clients at heart and who weren’t afraid to undertake some tough-love agenting. These days, most agents are toadies, as are the editors who now quail in fear at any writer who has had any success. If someone is bringing in money, God forbid they should be given any advice that would hurt their tender egos.

But even if agents and their editor brethren are afraid to say anything, and even if many readers are too dim-witted to even notice the stupidity of the attempts at humor, TG  does notice, and TG will say so, in print, and TG will make you, the writer, look like a fool. So here’s some good advice, writers.

Don’t try to be funny. It buys you nothing. It usually misfires, and when it doesn’t, it doesn’t do anything to fill the thriller reader’s primary need: for thrills. Not comedy.

So stop it. If you want to write comedy, fine, go ahead and give that a whirl and find out how tough that can be.

So let’s paraphrase the old show-biz saw: Dying is easy. Comedy is hard.

In writing a thriller, Killing people is easy. Comedy is hard.

Stick to the easy part, leaving a bloody trail of bodies in your hero’s wake.

And stop with the stupid jokes about women’s breasts.

And now for a commercial message: Last week’s blog was an infomercial about Allen Appel’s new Kickstarter project. If you are a reader of this blog and would like to support the author, check out the project here and donate. Thriller Guy has been a little disappointed, no let’s be honest, he’s been very surprised and disappointed that very few eyeballs have gone to the site and far fewer pocketbooks have been opened to help fund this project. As TG has pointed out before, Appel has hefty gin bills to pay and these books, in this case the sixth in the Pastmaster series, don’t get written on coffee and cigarettes alone. So give a few bucks so that books get written and TG continues to hurang and bloviate about writers and thrillers. Thank you.

The Five Mistakes Thriller Writers Make: Number Three -- So You Think You're Funny?

Maybe you are. But you’re taking a big chance finding out. This entry in this series of blogs will continue in the near future.

But first, a commercial announcement.

TG wants to know who out there understands what a Kickstarter project is? Raise your hands. Hmmmm, TG sees that his audience is skewing old. OK, let TG explain it to you. The Kickstarter website is a place where you can go and put up projects where you ask people, this is called a version of crowd sourcing, for help – money -- in achieving  certain projects. Go to Kickstarter.com to see this in action. It’s actually pretty cool, and many people have been able to produce work that they never could have achieved had they gone through regular channels.

So TG’s alter ego, Allen Appel, has put up a Kickstarter project. He’s the… OK, why not let him talk for himself? You have the blog, Allen Appel.

I’m the author of a time travel series called The Pastmaster, about a NY history professor who has the ability to shift through time. The books can be found in most second hand bookstores and as Kindle books. Over the years, many people have written me letters and sent me emails asking if I ever intended to write the sixth book in the series. While I would have loved to continue the series, the NY-based publishing industry decided that there really wasn’t enough money in it for them to publish any more of these books. So the series died.

Enter the new era of book publishing where the author has the opportunity to not only write his books, but to put them up on the Internet for sale. Wait a minute, TG wants to put in a word here:

 “Kiss my ass, publishing industry.”

 We’ll, those are harsh words, TG, but I, and many other authors, applaud your sentiment. So all of my Pastmaster series are available as Kindle books. And I thank all of you who have been downloading them. But I would like to write the next in the series. I spend all of my available time writing reviews for a major publishing magazine, and interviews, and working with writers who are writing their own thrillers and want help. So to carve out a little space, I am asking for $5,000.00 in donations to show that readers care enough to help in the actual creation of books. If I reach this goal, I’ll write the next book in the Pastmaster series. If you’re a reader, or a writer, and you’d like to show that the old model of book publishing has been superseded by a new model, go to this site and pledge. I thank you, and the brave new world of independent publishing thanks you.

And don't forget to come back soon for TG's continuing series on The Five Mistakes Thriller Writers Make.

Five Mistakes Thriller Writers Make: Number Two

Learn the Canon, Stupid

Scene: Retirement party. A roomful of men with a scattering of women. All are dressed in business attire, though a few of the more daring have removed their suit coats and rolled up their sleeves. They are drinking glasses of not particularly good Champaign. On a desk is a frosted sheet cake with the two little guys from Mad magazine’s Spy vs. Spy cartoon pictured in icing. The honoree, a mild looking, unassuming man, his name is Steve, please, no last names, is standing in front of his desk, holding a glass in his hand. It is a quiet moment, and he looks pensive. A colleague sidles up in front of him.

Colleague

So, Steve, what’s it going to be? What are going to do now that you’re leaving us?

Steve

I’m not sure. I haven’t really given it much thought.

Colleague

Hell, man, 30 years in the CIA must have left you with some marketable skills.

(He laughs and punches Steve in the chest with a meaty forefinger. Steve hates this. This guy has been an asshole from day one.)

Colleague continues

You know what? You ought to write one of those spy thrillers. With your know-how and what you’ve seen over the years, you’d be a natural. You must have a hundred stories to tell. Besides, how hard can it be?

Steve (thinking)

Hmmm, this asshole might be onto something. Like he says, How hard can it be?

And another shitty spy thriller is born.

This scene must play out a hundred times a year with varying personnel: Cops, Scientists, Lawyers, Government workers, CPAs, Finance guys, CEOs, non-fiction writers and any number of other white collar workers who have specialized experience that they think they can turn into fiction. They read stories in the newspapers about other guys and gals who have written books and made it big, they look at John Grisham, hell, maybe they’ve even read one or two of his books on vacation, and that phrase continues to ring in their ears: How hard can it be?

Damn hard, as it turns out. The writing part is incredibly hard, as TG has pointed out over and over, but you can hire someone to help with that. What drives TG crazy is how these folks make the decision to write a thriller and plunge right ahead even though they have no or little idea of those who have gone before them. They think because it’s just adult entertainment that what they bring to the table, their “insider” knowledge and general smarts, is going to be enough to crank out a saleable thriller that’s going to earn them millions of dollars. And in many cases they find a publisher who will take their books on because these authors have what in publishing is called a “platform,” meaning they have a certain attainment in their field that guarantees them a market. TG is always astonished at how New York publishers wet their panties over the idea of politicians or ex-politicians writing thrillers. TG lives in Washington and is aware of people who work for the government, elected and not, who are considered absolute jokes in this town only to have them go to New York be welcomed as the second coming of John Le Carre.

But TG is going to be charitable here and allow that some of these folks are actually not bad people, but still they don’t really know anything about the genre and no one has the guts to tell them that before they start they’d better read wide and deep to see what has gone before them. Now TG is going to piss off a whole ‘nuther group of people when he lumps in many, far too many, writers with this group. These are generally non-fiction writers, or even fiction writers who decide that the thriller genre is white-hot so why not scoop up some of  the money geysering into the pockets of guys like Steve Berry, Vince Flynn, Oliver North, Larry Bond, Jim DeFelice, Dale Brown, Brad Thor, the aforementioned Grisham and many others. So here they come, and here come more shitty thrillers. They re-invent (or at least attempt to) the wheel, break established conventions, make foolish mistakes, churn out clichéd, derivative, un-original characters, think up plots that they believe are cool and original but have grown old and hairy with time and then stand there like puppy dogs wagging their sorry tails, wondering why they have been dumped on by the critics, ridiculed by readers, and thought of as the fools they have shown themselves to be. All this after their editors and publishers have kissed their asses and told them how great they are. And here’s the sad part. In far too many cases they actually sell a ton of books because their names and past positions drag along plenty of readers who have no more understanding of the genre than they do. TG is thinking of a number of conservative idiot politicians who think that their followers will, indeed, follow them anywhere. And you know what? They do, because their followers are just as idiotic as they are.

Are all insider books like this, TG? Of course not. And in another post TG will recommend some that are very good indeed. But most of them are bad, in one way or another. How to stop this plague? Read on.

TG, generous, kind, nurturing guy that he is, is going to tell these folks what they can do to avoid this yawning chasm of a pitfall.

Read the canon. Study the genre. Take six months before you start and do your research. Do your homework. After all, TG is only suggesting that you sit back and read some of the greatest novels that have ever been written. Yeah, yeah, TG knows, you’re a busy guy and don’t have time for reading, you just want to tear right into your book. OK, go ahead, and don’t come crying when TG rips you a new one for the crap you try and force on him and the reading public.

It’s easy. There are web sites and books out there to put you on the thriller path. The quickest and easiest way to understand what’s going on and how we got where we are is to read Patrick Anderson, who reviews thrillers for The Washington Post. His book all about the history of the genre: The Triumph of the Thriller: How Cops, Crooks and Cannibals Captured Popular Fiction is all any aspiring thriller writer needs. This is a smart, funny, caustic book that tells why the genre became so hot and what are the best books to read and which are the worst. It should be required reading for any “insider” who thinks they have a story to tell. In fact it should be required reading for anyone who wants to write in the field.

Or there’s one other thing they could do. They could just hire Jim DeFelice as their collaborator and let him do the work. The man, a consummate pro, could turn goat shit into exciting thriller fiction.

There you go, hire Jim. Take the easy way out. Don't embarrass yourself.