The Five Mistakes Thriller Writers Make: Number Three -- Humor

So You Think You’re Funny?

Thriller Guy is here to tell you that you’re probably not. Or at least not as funny as you think you are. Don’t take this too hard, you’re not alone.

TG reviews, as you faithful readers know by now, around ten thrillers a month. Many of them have protagonists who are usually some sort of tough-as-nails soldier, spy, mercenary, private contractor or whatever, and he usually has a sidekick or team of sidekicks. In at least 75% to 85% of these books, the guy and his best pal love to josh back and forth making humorous comments at the expense of one another. One series in particular, and TG is too lazy to go to the massive pile of ARCs behind him and root through to find the offender, has the deadly duo, a black guy and a white guy, who kid each other incessantly about race, size of penis, bravery or lack thereof, homosexual tendencies, lack of prowess in bed, inability to maintain a healthy relationship with a woman, inability to maintain an unhealthy relationship with a woman, and a myriad of other unfunny takes on relationships, society or each other. Every woman who comes on page has her breasts discussed, and every character, even the women, always discuss breast size concerning every other female character. It’s embarrassing, crude, sophomoric, and definitely not funny. And this is a bestselling series. TG has pointed this stupidity out several times in reviews, to no effect. So what can we learn from this example? Besides the fact that TGs views seem to carry very little weight.

Many thriller readers are men who find this sort of juvenilia funny. Or to put a more generous spin on the data, that many thriller readers are quite willing to gloss/skip over these inanities to get to the part where the guys shoot and kill lots of people.

But forget this guy and his stupid heroes for a minute. Lets bring this closer to home. Thriller Guy has a story.

Years ago, TG was contacted by an agent who had a writer who was writing non-fiction books about his years as a soldier and sniper in Vietnam (One Shot, One Kill, an excellent book about snipers) who now wanted to branch out into fiction. Would TG get together with this guy and maybe come up with an idea for a thriller? TG did, and the result was Hellhound, by Allen Appel and Craig Roberts. Yes, clicking on this last phrase will take you to a site where you can actually buy a copy of this masterpiece. Actually, it’s a pretty good book. But the point of this story is…

Appel wrote the book with his son and Craig. The son’s name is also Allen Appel, which has caused uncounted problems over the years. The two Appels have written several books together and have a similar style. During the writing of Hellhound, (which is the name of an advanced attack helicopter) they had the Russian evildoer, as I remember it, coming up on shore under cover of night on a beach and stumbling into a group of hippies who were camped out, and who take the guy in and treat him to a night of revelry. This scene was hilarious. At least to the two Appels. It went on for at least 50 pages and led to other scenes of high hilarity. Eventually the book was finished and it was sent to the agent. After a couple of days the manuscript came back in the mail and scrawled across the title page, the agent had written, “CUT THE FUNNY SHIT!”

And he was absolutely right. What the hell were those two guys thinking? Chastened, all the funny shit was cut out (it amounted to a couple of hundred pages!) and the book went on to publication. Now, those were the days back when agents actually acted like editors and had the best interests of their clients at heart and who weren’t afraid to undertake some tough-love agenting. These days, most agents are toadies, as are the editors who now quail in fear at any writer who has had any success. If someone is bringing in money, God forbid they should be given any advice that would hurt their tender egos.

But even if agents and their editor brethren are afraid to say anything, and even if many readers are too dim-witted to even notice the stupidity of the attempts at humor, TG  does notice, and TG will say so, in print, and TG will make you, the writer, look like a fool. So here’s some good advice, writers.

Don’t try to be funny. It buys you nothing. It usually misfires, and when it doesn’t, it doesn’t do anything to fill the thriller reader’s primary need: for thrills. Not comedy.

So stop it. If you want to write comedy, fine, go ahead and give that a whirl and find out how tough that can be.

So let’s paraphrase the old show-biz saw: Dying is easy. Comedy is hard.

In writing a thriller, Killing people is easy. Comedy is hard.

Stick to the easy part, leaving a bloody trail of bodies in your hero’s wake.

And stop with the stupid jokes about women’s breasts.

And now for a commercial message: Last week’s blog was an infomercial about Allen Appel’s new Kickstarter project. If you are a reader of this blog and would like to support the author, check out the project here and donate. Thriller Guy has been a little disappointed, no let’s be honest, he’s been very surprised and disappointed that very few eyeballs have gone to the site and far fewer pocketbooks have been opened to help fund this project. As TG has pointed out before, Appel has hefty gin bills to pay and these books, in this case the sixth in the Pastmaster series, don’t get written on coffee and cigarettes alone. So give a few bucks so that books get written and TG continues to hurang and bloviate about writers and thrillers. Thank you.

The Five Mistakes Thriller Writers Make: Number Three -- So You Think You're Funny?

Maybe you are. But you’re taking a big chance finding out. This entry in this series of blogs will continue in the near future.

But first, a commercial announcement.

TG wants to know who out there understands what a Kickstarter project is? Raise your hands. Hmmmm, TG sees that his audience is skewing old. OK, let TG explain it to you. The Kickstarter website is a place where you can go and put up projects where you ask people, this is called a version of crowd sourcing, for help – money -- in achieving  certain projects. Go to Kickstarter.com to see this in action. It’s actually pretty cool, and many people have been able to produce work that they never could have achieved had they gone through regular channels.

So TG’s alter ego, Allen Appel, has put up a Kickstarter project. He’s the… OK, why not let him talk for himself? You have the blog, Allen Appel.

I’m the author of a time travel series called The Pastmaster, about a NY history professor who has the ability to shift through time. The books can be found in most second hand bookstores and as Kindle books. Over the years, many people have written me letters and sent me emails asking if I ever intended to write the sixth book in the series. While I would have loved to continue the series, the NY-based publishing industry decided that there really wasn’t enough money in it for them to publish any more of these books. So the series died.

Enter the new era of book publishing where the author has the opportunity to not only write his books, but to put them up on the Internet for sale. Wait a minute, TG wants to put in a word here:

 “Kiss my ass, publishing industry.”

 We’ll, those are harsh words, TG, but I, and many other authors, applaud your sentiment. So all of my Pastmaster series are available as Kindle books. And I thank all of you who have been downloading them. But I would like to write the next in the series. I spend all of my available time writing reviews for a major publishing magazine, and interviews, and working with writers who are writing their own thrillers and want help. So to carve out a little space, I am asking for $5,000.00 in donations to show that readers care enough to help in the actual creation of books. If I reach this goal, I’ll write the next book in the Pastmaster series. If you’re a reader, or a writer, and you’d like to show that the old model of book publishing has been superseded by a new model, go to this site and pledge. I thank you, and the brave new world of independent publishing thanks you.

And don't forget to come back soon for TG's continuing series on The Five Mistakes Thriller Writers Make.

Five Mistakes Thriller Writers Make: Number Two

Learn the Canon, Stupid

Scene: Retirement party. A roomful of men with a scattering of women. All are dressed in business attire, though a few of the more daring have removed their suit coats and rolled up their sleeves. They are drinking glasses of not particularly good Champaign. On a desk is a frosted sheet cake with the two little guys from Mad magazine’s Spy vs. Spy cartoon pictured in icing. The honoree, a mild looking, unassuming man, his name is Steve, please, no last names, is standing in front of his desk, holding a glass in his hand. It is a quiet moment, and he looks pensive. A colleague sidles up in front of him.

Colleague

So, Steve, what’s it going to be? What are going to do now that you’re leaving us?

Steve

I’m not sure. I haven’t really given it much thought.

Colleague

Hell, man, 30 years in the CIA must have left you with some marketable skills.

(He laughs and punches Steve in the chest with a meaty forefinger. Steve hates this. This guy has been an asshole from day one.)

Colleague continues

You know what? You ought to write one of those spy thrillers. With your know-how and what you’ve seen over the years, you’d be a natural. You must have a hundred stories to tell. Besides, how hard can it be?

Steve (thinking)

Hmmm, this asshole might be onto something. Like he says, How hard can it be?

And another shitty spy thriller is born.

This scene must play out a hundred times a year with varying personnel: Cops, Scientists, Lawyers, Government workers, CPAs, Finance guys, CEOs, non-fiction writers and any number of other white collar workers who have specialized experience that they think they can turn into fiction. They read stories in the newspapers about other guys and gals who have written books and made it big, they look at John Grisham, hell, maybe they’ve even read one or two of his books on vacation, and that phrase continues to ring in their ears: How hard can it be?

Damn hard, as it turns out. The writing part is incredibly hard, as TG has pointed out over and over, but you can hire someone to help with that. What drives TG crazy is how these folks make the decision to write a thriller and plunge right ahead even though they have no or little idea of those who have gone before them. They think because it’s just adult entertainment that what they bring to the table, their “insider” knowledge and general smarts, is going to be enough to crank out a saleable thriller that’s going to earn them millions of dollars. And in many cases they find a publisher who will take their books on because these authors have what in publishing is called a “platform,” meaning they have a certain attainment in their field that guarantees them a market. TG is always astonished at how New York publishers wet their panties over the idea of politicians or ex-politicians writing thrillers. TG lives in Washington and is aware of people who work for the government, elected and not, who are considered absolute jokes in this town only to have them go to New York be welcomed as the second coming of John Le Carre.

But TG is going to be charitable here and allow that some of these folks are actually not bad people, but still they don’t really know anything about the genre and no one has the guts to tell them that before they start they’d better read wide and deep to see what has gone before them. Now TG is going to piss off a whole ‘nuther group of people when he lumps in many, far too many, writers with this group. These are generally non-fiction writers, or even fiction writers who decide that the thriller genre is white-hot so why not scoop up some of  the money geysering into the pockets of guys like Steve Berry, Vince Flynn, Oliver North, Larry Bond, Jim DeFelice, Dale Brown, Brad Thor, the aforementioned Grisham and many others. So here they come, and here come more shitty thrillers. They re-invent (or at least attempt to) the wheel, break established conventions, make foolish mistakes, churn out clichéd, derivative, un-original characters, think up plots that they believe are cool and original but have grown old and hairy with time and then stand there like puppy dogs wagging their sorry tails, wondering why they have been dumped on by the critics, ridiculed by readers, and thought of as the fools they have shown themselves to be. All this after their editors and publishers have kissed their asses and told them how great they are. And here’s the sad part. In far too many cases they actually sell a ton of books because their names and past positions drag along plenty of readers who have no more understanding of the genre than they do. TG is thinking of a number of conservative idiot politicians who think that their followers will, indeed, follow them anywhere. And you know what? They do, because their followers are just as idiotic as they are.

Are all insider books like this, TG? Of course not. And in another post TG will recommend some that are very good indeed. But most of them are bad, in one way or another. How to stop this plague? Read on.

TG, generous, kind, nurturing guy that he is, is going to tell these folks what they can do to avoid this yawning chasm of a pitfall.

Read the canon. Study the genre. Take six months before you start and do your research. Do your homework. After all, TG is only suggesting that you sit back and read some of the greatest novels that have ever been written. Yeah, yeah, TG knows, you’re a busy guy and don’t have time for reading, you just want to tear right into your book. OK, go ahead, and don’t come crying when TG rips you a new one for the crap you try and force on him and the reading public.

It’s easy. There are web sites and books out there to put you on the thriller path. The quickest and easiest way to understand what’s going on and how we got where we are is to read Patrick Anderson, who reviews thrillers for The Washington Post. His book all about the history of the genre: The Triumph of the Thriller: How Cops, Crooks and Cannibals Captured Popular Fiction is all any aspiring thriller writer needs. This is a smart, funny, caustic book that tells why the genre became so hot and what are the best books to read and which are the worst. It should be required reading for any “insider” who thinks they have a story to tell. In fact it should be required reading for anyone who wants to write in the field.

Or there’s one other thing they could do. They could just hire Jim DeFelice as their collaborator and let him do the work. The man, a consummate pro, could turn goat shit into exciting thriller fiction.

There you go, hire Jim. Take the easy way out. Don't embarrass yourself.

Five Mistakes Thriller Writers Make

One of TG’s writer pals who is just starting a thriller requested this topic. TG is happy to oblige. First he will laugh at the idea that there are only five mistakes that thriller writers make, but to make it a bit less intimidating, we’ll start with five.

First of all, TG doesn’t need to go into the whole twin thing, does he? Is there anyone out there so deluded that he/she thinks that it would be clever to bring in a twin, known or unknown, good or evil, to solve a plot problem? Yes, I’m sure there are, but we can easily clear this one up by a total twin injunction. None. Not ever. Problem solved.

OK, the number one biggest mistake thriller writers make -- these are writers who run the gamut from unpublished to the biggest names in the business -- is introducing, or attempting to introduce, romantic elements into their story. From girlfriends, to wives, from femme fatales, to enemy agents, these ladies are always stunningly beautiful, smart and often deadly or totally naive. They are always brought in to fulfill some clichéd, supporting role. TG has always said that the most dangerous job in show business is being the wife or girlfriend of a thriller hero. Most of these babes are destined to end up tied to a pole in the grimy basement of some nutter’s killing lair while the hero dashes around trying to implement a rescue before all her extremities are cut off one by one or little holes are drilled in her head while the fiend keeps her alive and awake throughout the process. Thomas Harris pretty much invented this sub-genre, kept it alive and beat away anyone else who jumped in to copy him. And yet TG reads and reviews dozens of pale imitations of Harris’ books every year. Twenty years ago there was some room on this playing field, ten years ago you could join in if you had a brilliant twist, but now it’s just a matter of piling more crap on top of crap. (TG will admit that there a few exceptions that are good, but they are extremely rare.) So why do we keep seeing this tired plot played out again and again? TG is sorry to conclude that there are lots of readers out there who just can’t get enough of this stuff. They love it, they buy it and as long as that continues, writers will write it and sell it. So whenever a thriller writer introduces a hero who is happily married or in a solid relationship with a lovable, pretty, caring, funny love interest, TG mutters, uh oh, she’s a dead woman.

The chief function of a love interest is, as noted above, to introduce a female-in-peril element, as a ploy for sympathy for the hero when the woman gets killed, or to add some sex to the scenario. Thriller writers know that the bulk of their readers are men, and men love sex, right? So why wouldn’t they love some sex in their stories? It’s a perfectly good question, and the answer should be yes, some good sex might spice things up a bit, but the truth is that 99% of thriller sex is so badly written that it is almost always laughable and always cringe inducing. Why? Because it’s damned hard to write a good sex scene.  TG knows this from first-hand experience. TG has told this story before, but it’s instructive, so here it is again.

When TG’s alter ego, Allen Appel was writing his first published book, Time After Time (available as a Kindle here) he wrote a sex scene between the hero and his girlfriend. Appel labored over this scene until he had it finely tuned, or so he thought. One feature of the scene had the female participant repeating the word Yes a number of times, Kent Carrol, Appel’s astute editor, simply wrote the word No in the margin of the scene. Absolutely right. ‘nuf said, he spared Appel the embarrassment of reading a detailed explanation of why the scene was terrible. (Just a question here, do women really yell the word Yes! during sex, besides in movies?)

Here’s the point: most of us, and that includes TG, just aren’t good enough to write workable, exciting sex scenes. To do it well, you’ve got to be good on the order of Nabokov, Lawrence or Updike. Bad sex scenes, even mediocre sex scenes, will kill a thriller’s momentum and pull the reader right out of the story. So here’s TG’s tip: just don’t try. As many have said, the writer’s greatest tool is the reader’s imagination. If you want to have your characters have sex, fine, walk them to the bedroom, shut the door and let the reader imagine the rest. If you’ve done a good job with your characterization, it will work.

Another reason writers try to put romance into their thrillers is because they feel this will make their characters more likeable, more realistic and less one-dimensional. TG is sure that this may be true of many books, especially when the word Literature is floating around, but it’s not only not needed in a thriller, it’s a mistake. I have even heard thriller writers say that they put the romance in to attract women readers to a male-dominated field. These are the same folks who have their heroes weep. But we’ll get to that in another essay. Those tactics never work. Here’s a secret: thriller heroes, and villains, don’t need to be rounded and nuanced. In fact you don’t want them to be. You want them lean and fast and dangerous, which is exactly the way you want your plots and your writing. I would say that in any other genre you can get away with and probably even want to have more complicated characters. But not in thrillers. There you want story and speed. Leave the complicated backstories in your outlines and research and first drafts.

So unless you’re a real master at it, and TG is here to tell you that you probably aren’t, leave out the romance. You can’t go wrong if you leave it out, and you can go very wrong if you put it in.

Now that all that has been said, TG admits that he has read many books, and thrillers, that include women as solid characters who add to the richness of the story and the complexity of the plot. After all, you can’t write a convincing book without women. Well, you can, but the world is half women so why would you want to? The problem comes when men writers try to write about the physical and spiritual elements of love. Most are just not any good at it. So why try to cross that particular minefield unless you absolutely have to?

Boom!

Fear Nothing

Thriller guy was having lunch with his pal and fellow writer Larry the other day and we were discussing the way we wrote when we were young. This subject has been much on TG’s mind these days as Allen Appel, TG’s alter ego, recently put all his early works up, plus some recent stuff on Amazon for Kindle as part of his ongoing experiment concerning the world of publishing as it exists, or doesn’t exist, today. Well, let’s drop the convoluted POV and let Appel take up the thread.

Reading novels I’d written two and three decades ago was an interesting experience. In many ways, it was like traveling back in time. I recognized my words as I read, but I had almost no memory of writing them. I laughed at my own jokes, marveled at the interesting facts I had unearthed in my research, and, most importantly, I was amazed at the chances I took. It never occurred to me at the time that what would now seem a series of near impossible plot connections could not be achieved. These were my time travel books, known as the Pastmaster series, where I would plop my hero, Alex Balfour, down amidst some outrageous circumstance and expect him to make his labyrinthine way to a cataclysmic ending which he would somehow survive to fight again another day in the next book. A good example is the third book in the series, Till the End of Time. Alex arrives back in time at Pearl Harbor during the attack and ends up making his way through the atomic bombing of Hiroshima. Really? Really! I can remember at the time coming up with that plan, just the beginning and the end, and hardly giving a thought to the difficulties that would be involved. And this was before we had the Internet for research. As I reread this book I was amazed that I had followed my original idea and that, at least in my opinion, succeeded in making it believable. Would I attempt such a journey today? All my professional experience gained after nearly forty years in the business would tell me that it would be impossible, and I would be broken on the yoke of such a task. And yet there it is. You can read it for yourself.

 

Here’s the writing lesson in today’s sermon: don’t let being older and wiser keep you from taking the chances a tyro might leap at. You’re smarter now, use that experience to achieve the flights of imagination that novels, or any other writing, demand.

Dream big.

Plot big.

Write big.

Fear nothing.