Five Mistakes Thriller Writers Make: Number Two
Learn the Canon,
Stupid
Scene: Retirement party. A roomful of men with a scattering
of women. All are dressed in business attire, though a few of the more daring have
removed their suit coats and rolled up their sleeves. They are drinking glasses
of not particularly good Champaign. On a desk is a frosted sheet cake with the
two little guys from Mad magazine’s Spy vs. Spy cartoon pictured in icing. The
honoree, a mild looking, unassuming man, his name is Steve, please, no last
names, is standing in front of his desk, holding a glass in his hand. It is a
quiet moment, and he looks pensive. A colleague sidles up in front of him.
Colleague
So, Steve, what’s it going to be? What are going to do now
that you’re leaving us?
Steve
I’m not sure. I haven’t really given it much thought.
Colleague
Hell, man, 30 years in the CIA must have left you with some
marketable skills.
(He laughs and punches Steve in the chest with a meaty
forefinger. Steve hates this. This guy has been an asshole from day one.)
Colleague continues
You know what? You ought to write one of those spy
thrillers. With your know-how and what you’ve seen over the years, you’d be a
natural. You must have a hundred stories to tell. Besides, how hard can it be?
Steve (thinking)
Hmmm, this asshole
might be onto something. Like he says, How hard can it be?
And another shitty spy thriller is born.
This scene must play out a hundred times a year with varying
personnel: Cops, Scientists, Lawyers, Government workers, CPAs, Finance guys,
CEOs, non-fiction writers and any number of other white collar workers who have
specialized experience that they think they can turn into fiction. They read
stories in the newspapers about other guys and gals who have written books and
made it big, they look at John Grisham, hell, maybe they’ve even read one or
two of his books on vacation, and that phrase continues to ring in their ears:
How hard can it be?
Damn hard, as it turns out. The writing part is incredibly
hard, as TG has pointed out over and over, but you can hire someone to help
with that. What drives TG crazy is how these folks make the decision to write a
thriller and plunge right ahead even though they have no or little idea of
those who have gone before them. They think because it’s just adult
entertainment that what they bring to the table, their “insider” knowledge and
general smarts, is going to be enough to crank out a saleable thriller that’s
going to earn them millions of dollars. And in many cases they find a publisher
who will take their books on because these authors have what in publishing is
called a “platform,” meaning they have a certain attainment in their field that
guarantees them a market. TG is always astonished at how New York publishers wet
their panties over the idea of politicians or ex-politicians writing thrillers.
TG lives in Washington and is aware of people who work for the government,
elected and not, who are considered absolute jokes in this town only to have them
go to New York be welcomed as the second coming of John Le Carre.
But TG is going to be charitable here and allow that some of
these folks are actually not bad people, but still they don’t really know
anything about the genre and no one has the guts to tell them that before they
start they’d better read wide and deep to see what has gone before them. Now TG
is going to piss off a whole ‘nuther group of people when he lumps in many, far
too many, writers with this group. These are generally non-fiction writers, or
even fiction writers who decide that the thriller genre is white-hot so why not
scoop up some of the money geysering into the pockets of guys like Steve Berry, Vince
Flynn, Oliver North, Larry Bond, Jim DeFelice, Dale Brown, Brad Thor, the
aforementioned Grisham and many others. So here they come, and here come more
shitty thrillers. They re-invent (or at least attempt to) the wheel, break
established conventions, make foolish mistakes, churn out clichéd, derivative,
un-original characters, think up plots that they believe are cool and original
but have grown old and hairy with time and then stand there like puppy dogs
wagging their sorry tails, wondering why they have been dumped on by the
critics, ridiculed by readers, and thought of as the fools they have shown
themselves to be. All this after their editors and publishers have kissed their
asses and told them how great they are. And here’s the sad part. In far too
many cases they actually sell a ton of books because their names and past
positions drag along plenty of readers who have no more understanding of the
genre than they do. TG is thinking of a number of conservative idiot
politicians who think that their followers will, indeed, follow them anywhere.
And you know what? They do, because their followers are just as idiotic as they
are.
Are all insider books like this, TG? Of course not. And in another post TG will recommend some that are very good indeed. But most of them are bad, in one way or another. How to stop this plague? Read on.
TG, generous, kind, nurturing guy that he is, is going
to tell these folks what they can do to avoid this yawning chasm of a pitfall.
Read the canon. Study the genre. Take six months before you
start and do your research. Do your homework. After all, TG is only suggesting
that you sit back and read some of the greatest novels that have ever been
written. Yeah, yeah, TG knows, you’re a busy guy and don’t have time for
reading, you just want to tear right into your book. OK, go ahead, and don’t
come crying when TG rips you a new one for the crap you try and force on him
and the reading public.
It’s easy. There are web sites and books out there to put
you on the thriller path. The quickest and easiest way to understand what’s
going on and how we got where we are is to read Patrick Anderson, who reviews
thrillers for The Washington Post.
His book all about the history of the genre: The Triumph of the Thriller: How Cops, Crooks and Cannibals Captured Popular Fiction is all any aspiring thriller writer needs. This is a smart, funny, caustic book
that tells why the genre became so hot and what are the best books to read and
which are the worst. It should be required reading for any “insider” who thinks
they have a story to tell. In fact it should be required reading for anyone who
wants to write in the field.
Or there’s one other thing they could do. They could just hire Jim DeFelice as their collaborator and let him do the work. The man, a consummate pro,
could turn goat shit into exciting thriller fiction.
There you go, hire Jim. Take the easy way out. Don't embarrass yourself.
